Well, this is a doozy. Couple years have come and gone since my last post here. Not like anyone reads it anyway, but it does allow me to have mouth diarrhea.
Take that what you will.
Oh man. Life. When you think you are finally heading up, it says, "Fuck that," and throws your ass right back on the ground.
Go fucking figure.
That wonderful job? Yeah, no.
The amazing partner, I thought was the love of my life, who I was actually engaged to?
Lying piece of shit.
Going back to school? Probably never going to happen.
Behind on rent, thank you Covid-19 and of course, POS ex won't help me pay for any of it, even though he lived here.
And yet, here I still am.
I have been going through bouts of depression, waves if you will. Some days, I'm okay. Going through normal routines of getting up in the morning, walking my dog, working out, having a cup of coffee and some breakfast, put on my makeup for the day, and head off to work.
To then come home, walk my dog, eat some food, watch television, shower, walk my dog again, and head to bed.
Grateful for that routine, because it is consistent. I don't have to think about anything.
My days off?
Well, those are the harder days. Everything I accomplish on the days I work, I don't accomplish on my days off.
Those days I even forget to brush my teeth.
Today, I tried a little bit harder. I worked a bit on this program to attain a certificate to go into a different career field. Have little faith of pulling that off, but at least I could say I tried.
And now, typing up a random ass blog post.
Reading through a few of my older posts, I am once again reminded why I have such a hard time trusting people.
Betrayal is a constant in my life.
I am also reminded why I don't like being around people.
Because regardless of the gender identity, I have been betrayed, lied to, hurt by all walks of people.
There are only two people, two people that I truly trust. I have known them for years and they have not hurt me.
We can have disagreements, but we talk about them. Work through them.
But those are only two people.
Throughout the years, I keep pushing myself to keep moving forward.
But, honestly, I'm tired at this point. I'm not even 35 and here I am, feeling done with everything. Not in the, I want to be unalive state, but in the, so sick of trying just to be in the same fucking place I started in.
Because, what's the point? I can't afford to go to college and get a fucking useless degree that in a couple of years won't matter because unless you have a masters or PhD at this point, a degree is a fucking piece of paper to burn.
I can't afford to buy a house, because the housing market is an absolute fucking joke.
Health insurance? Yeah fucking right.
Savings, retirement, 401k?
Ha.
Haha.
Hahaha.
More or less, I'm frustrated, tired, and just fucking done with all of this bullshit known as my life.
