Betrayal is the Ugliest Trait.

For the past couple of days, things have been rough, to say the least.  Sunday afternoon, after my shift, the owner came down and "let me go."

Since then he has threatened me with a lawyer, demand I not contact customers, employees, or the business.   I went from giving 3 years of my life to this business, working to help build it up, the clientele, to being disposed of like I'm nothing.

People that I thought were friends, ended up betraying me.

The trust issues I already had, amplified thanks to that situation.

It made me question everything, from current friendships previous to this position, to even my relationship with my boyfriend.  It's put so much doubt in not only my abilities but my worth.

This pulled me into a depression, screwed with my eating, and had serious heart palpitations. 

Move to today, over 1 week since I was "let go."  I have cleared out numbers, accounts, practically everything associated with "that business," found a new job that actually fits my needs and lets me focus on grooming and my babies instead of numbers.

Life does that, throw you these curve balls just to see what you can do with them.   It's my time to truly shine.

It's Been Six Years.

This blog still exists, honestly, never remembered it.  While falling into the pit of endless searching through the internet, I found a lost twitter account and tied to that account was this blog.

A blog that was forgotten.

The Restless Archer is the most perfect description of myself and yet, lost amongst myself.

Six years later and not much has changed but at the same time, a lot has changed.  I finally quit the corporate job that I was stuck at for almost 10 years but still grooming.  Have not finished college but working on going back.  No longer single and found someone who truly completes me. 

I keep talking about wanting to change my life, yet I never manage to follow through.  That has been the story of my current life.  From childhood to adulthood.  I do not complete anything.

One thing I have completed, however, was the Seattle Rock 'N Roll Half Marathon.  I need to remind myself of that.  When I want to beat myself up, I have the potential to follow through with something, I have proven that to myself. 

If at first you don't succeed.

Try, try again they say.

Sometimes it feels the more you try, the more you work to attain a certain goal, the harder things may seem. That I feel, is dead on.

My entire life has been made up of nothing but struggles, heartache, pain, suffering, failures, regret. Every glimmer of hope I find, turns into... I can't even put into words. And yet... I keep trying. Keep keeping on. Why?

It's my way of telling this sick world we live in, this game we call life to go fuck itself. I will damn well make sure I find my happiness. I will have the life I dream of, damn the consequences, damn the discrimination, and damn society.

I'm sick of the life I'm living, so what should I do? Make a better one. One worth living and fighting for. Sure there are times when everything seems to much, and I could take the "easy way" out, but I'm not going to give the negative thoughts the satisfaction. What better way then to prove everything you went through, everything that screams "You will fail!" A big fuck you, and succeed.

Fight for what you believe in. Stay true to yourself. Be free. Be happy.

And most of all, if at first you don't succeed... Try, try again.

Pain. Can't get enough.

Life hurts. Whether physically, emotionally, or metaphorically. How you choose to cope with said pain, will be the degree in which you receive the anguish.

Pain is what helps us know that we are still alive. Still here on this planet. 

Enjoy it.

Walking 4 miles to work and back, and I can barely move. But I have felt things, not only physically, but emotionally. I conquered my negative thinking by proving I have willpower. This pain I feel lets me know that I did it, I surpassed my negative emotions and proved I have what it takes.

I felt happiness. Pushing my body past what I've ever put it through. Happiness that I will be walking 4 miles each way again tomorrow. And the next day.

Happiness. Realizing, that what I've been dreaming of doing, but fail to follow through, might now actually be possible.

Happiness. To truly feel like anything is possible.

Happiness. This pain, this heartache, these tears. Worth everything.