I'm fucking tired y'all.

 Well, this is a doozy.  Couple years have come and gone since my last post here.  Not like anyone reads it anyway, but it does allow me to have mouth diarrhea.

Take that what you will.

Oh man.  Life.  When you think you are finally heading up, it says, "Fuck that," and throws your ass right back on the ground.  

Go fucking figure.  

That wonderful job?  Yeah, no.

The amazing partner, I thought was the love of my life, who I was actually engaged to?

Lying piece of shit.

Going back to school?  Probably never going to happen.

Behind on rent, thank you Covid-19 and of course, POS ex won't help me pay for any of it, even though he lived here.

And yet, here I still am.

I have been going through bouts of depression, waves if you will.  Some days, I'm okay.  Going through normal routines of getting up in the morning, walking my dog, working out, having a cup of coffee and some breakfast, put on my makeup for the day, and head off to work.

To then come home, walk my dog, eat some food, watch television, shower, walk my dog again, and head to bed.

Grateful for that routine, because it is consistent.  I don't have to think about anything.

My days off?

Well, those are the harder days.  Everything I accomplish on the days I work, I don't accomplish on my days off.

Those days I even forget to brush my teeth.  

Today, I tried a little bit harder.  I worked a bit on this program to attain a certificate to go into a different career field.  Have little faith of pulling that off, but at least I could say I tried.

And now, typing up a random ass blog post.

Reading through a few of my older posts, I am once again reminded why I have such a hard time trusting people.

Betrayal is a constant in my life.  

I am also reminded why I don't like being around people.

Because regardless of the gender identity, I have been betrayed, lied to, hurt by all walks of people.

There are only two people, two people that I truly trust.  I have known them for years and they have not hurt me.  

We can have disagreements, but we talk about them.  Work through them.

But those are only two people.

Throughout the years, I keep pushing myself to keep moving forward.

But, honestly, I'm tired at this point.  I'm not even 35 and here I am, feeling done with everything.  Not in the, I want to be unalive state, but in the, so sick of trying just to be in the same fucking place I started in.

Because, what's the point?  I can't afford to go to college and get a fucking useless degree that in a couple of years won't matter because unless you have a masters or PhD at this point, a degree is a fucking piece of paper to burn.

I can't afford to buy a house, because the housing market is an absolute fucking joke.

Health insurance?  Yeah fucking right.

Savings, retirement, 401k?

Ha.

Haha.

Hahaha.

More or less, I'm frustrated, tired, and just fucking done with all of this bullshit known as my life.

Another Six Months Gone...

Halloween has come and gone and it has been just over six months since my last post.  Much has changed, thankfully for the better.  The job is what I've been hoping for, the relationship is what I've been dreaming of, and life, although it did not go according to plan, is going better than expected.  I'm beyond grateful for it.

The next part of my journey is creating a bit of a routine again.  Over the past six months, I've become a bit complacent.  Falling out of a healthy eating and workout routine, into a lazed, food indulgent, with lack of a better term, blob.  I've ballooned up to 256.2 pounds.  My heaviest.  

Luckily, headspace wise, I'm better than expected.  Before I hated the way I looked, mirrors were my sworn enemies, and how I spoke to myself was disgusting.  I don't tolerate bullying, fat-shaming, none of that bullshit.  Yet, I tolerated it to myself from myself.  

However, all of that being said, I'm not starting no new diet, I've already been signed up with a gym.  The goal here is to be more conscious of what I put into my mouth and body.  Be more aware of portion sizes, of balancing meals, of moving my body.

The reason most "diets" don't work is that they are truly unrealistic.  With counting, measuring, cutting out certain foods, that's not how I want to live.  I want to ENJOY the foods I love, not become numb to them.  That's the whole point of being conscious when I eat, to fully savor and enjoy eating and focusing on when my body says it is full, listening to my body.

This is also known as Intuitive Eating.  A great book that I've been enthralled with is called "Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works," by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch.

Now that I sound almost like a damn infomercial, I better end this here.

Betrayal is the Ugliest Trait.

For the past couple of days, things have been rough, to say the least.  Sunday afternoon, after my shift, the owner came down and "let me go."

Since then he has threatened me with a lawyer, demand I not contact customers, employees, or the business.   I went from giving 3 years of my life to this business, working to help build it up, the clientele, to being disposed of like I'm nothing.

People that I thought were friends, ended up betraying me.

The trust issues I already had, amplified thanks to that situation.

It made me question everything, from current friendships previous to this position, to even my relationship with my boyfriend.  It's put so much doubt in not only my abilities but my worth.

This pulled me into a depression, screwed with my eating, and had serious heart palpitations. 

Move to today, over 1 week since I was "let go."  I have cleared out numbers, accounts, practically everything associated with "that business," found a new job that actually fits my needs and lets me focus on grooming and my babies instead of numbers.

Life does that, throw you these curve balls just to see what you can do with them.   It's my time to truly shine.

It's Been Six Years.

This blog still exists, honestly, never remembered it.  While falling into the pit of endless searching through the internet, I found a lost twitter account and tied to that account was this blog.

A blog that was forgotten.

The Restless Archer is the most perfect description of myself and yet, lost amongst myself.

Six years later and not much has changed but at the same time, a lot has changed.  I finally quit the corporate job that I was stuck at for almost 10 years but still grooming.  Have not finished college but working on going back.  No longer single and found someone who truly completes me. 

I keep talking about wanting to change my life, yet I never manage to follow through.  That has been the story of my current life.  From childhood to adulthood.  I do not complete anything.

One thing I have completed, however, was the Seattle Rock 'N Roll Half Marathon.  I need to remind myself of that.  When I want to beat myself up, I have the potential to follow through with something, I have proven that to myself.